You’ve seen it, you know it happens, it may have happened to you. Why? What is mum shaming all about?
Let’s think this through. We live in a perfectionistic society. There is considerable focus on achievement, for ourselves and perhaps even our children. As a consequence, there is now a myth that floats around about the perfect mother. Is she really out there? I can’t help but wonder who first said ‘how does she do it?!’ We are inundated with books, experts, articles telling us how to meet this gold standard.
Everyone seems to have advice for everyone else.
When we strive to become a carbon copy of a mere myth, The Perfect Mother, our children see this. When they see their parents strive to get everything right and not allowing space to make mistakes, this can impact their children when they see this. Why? When you fail, make mistakes and muck up, you allow your child to be exposed to this universal life experience. You show them how to react when they fail. You teach them your values around failure and mistakes when they see you make mistakes and fail. Is it ok to fail sometimes? Or is failure associated with a deep sense of shame? Or is this something we can reframe in a positive light, for example, help them to think about what they have learnt from this experience.
How can you teach your child ways to cope with failure?
There are many ways to approach this and each response will need to be tailored to each situation. One option is to make light of these situations. ‘Oops I lost the car keys again! Lucky my head is screwed on tight or I’d lose that too!’ When you can joke with others about your imperfections, then your child learns they can too. You give them permission to fail.
If you cannot tolerate your mistakes and imperfections then how can your child learn to accept theirs?
If we choose not to pursue this carbon copy of this fictitious ideal mother. What is an authentic version of you in your role as a mother? What are your values and beliefs and how do you incorporate these values into how you parent your children.
Instead of aiming for perfect mothering, instead, let’s think about what your child really needs? They need to feel that they belong, feel valued unconditionally and held in mind by you, their one and only Mum.
However to give your child these priceless gifts, it’s also important to remember that you do not need to be emotionally available the entire time for your child to have a secure attachment relationship with you.
If you haven’t already, it’s time to give yourself permission to not have the perfect Pinterest kids lunch box or spotless floors. Your child does not need an endless calendar of extra curricular activities. It’s ok if they have a tantrum in the shopping center. How many people really notice anyway? They are not a failure when they act up and neither are you.
Perhaps now is an opportunity to think about your village. Who are the people you can ask to support you in your role as a parent? Who can guide you, advise you and encourage you? Who would you call on a rough day?
Who is in your village?
Are there any parents you know who need a little support at the moment? Do you know any mothers who have just had their first child or have younger children than you? Do you know a mother who is struggling in her role and needs someone to talk to or a helping hand?
Who can you reach out to help?
Love and kindness are never wasted. They always make a difference. They bless the one who receives them, and they bless you, the giver.
Let’s think it through… If you were a bystander in a mum shaming situation how would you react? How can you use your responses to strengthen the village?
#kindnessmatters